My process of self awareness, self honesty, self forgiveness and self application
First of all, my dear friends, I’d like to apologize for my english. If I make mistakes in my writing, please let me know in your comments. From now on, I rely on Word’s orthographic.
In my five years of age in this spiritual awakening, I can tell how in every process I go from darkness and blindness to light and awareness. This is a never ending journey in which the ultimate goal is to find my true self, to know myself, to become one from the inside out. If my interior is in conflict, if my brain hemispheres are fighting with each other, if my body is not communicating with each part completely, then the world outside will be a place of eternal conflict.
So I want to share to you, my spiritual family, the issues I’ve been addressing in the past 9 months. Magically, this last 5 days everything has been falling into place, now I can see clearly and I know you will help me even further. As Ananda said, sharing is an important part of the growing process. So here it is.
First, a little background that’s relevant for me:
My mother used to take care of everything in the house, from the cleaning to the management of money and resources, food, clothing, etc. She took care of us and provide for almost everything. My father was always there but not present in essence. He provided money to the house, but his attitude made me feel that he was looking always from the trenches. In a family constellation, I could see that I had the masculine and feminine roles inverted. I could realize that my father has suffered greatly because of a difficult childhood where he is the youngest of 5. Anyway, I don’t want to explain his life, but this is one of the main reasons of his insecurity.
My mother and father used to argue a lot, so many times, my mother pulled us, my sister, my brother and I, to her side. I remember that many times I judged my father as an incompetent, insecure asshole. As a result, the image of the man in the house became that of an incompetent person.
Repercussions in my life:
I continue to be friend with many of my ex-girlfriends, so one time I had the opportunity to ask them what they think about me in my masculine side. They all felt the same about me: They feel secure and peace, but they didn’t feel that kind of support of a man. They felt that I have no initiative to take action. I was in a deep process at the moment, and although their words hurt me, I was very grateful for their honesty. That was the beginning of my internal work with my masculine side.
I start to realize that, when it comes to be with a group of men, I always have something to judge about them, it was like I never felt part of the clan.
Last year I met Finnie in India. The connection was immediate and three months after we separated, I decided to bring her to live with me in Mexico. When she came, I felt deep panic inside. I knew I wanted to do this, but a part of me didn’t want because I didn’t feel good enough to take care of a serious relationship. This irrational fear was telling me “I won’t be capable to be responsible for this relationship. I’m an incompetent asshole.” A bolt of lightning stroke me!! I’m judging myself in the exact same way I used to judge my father. Deep inside I don’t feel I’m capable to do this because my model of a man is someone full with fear. After a few tears and pain, I decide to confront this and, with all my fear, I spoke to Finnie (which by now, she was angry at me because I abandoned her for two days). I tell her I want to commit to this relationship and be responsible for my decision. After this, we chose to live together and deal with the difficulties one at a time.
Months passed by. Finnie had to renew her Mexican VISA. So she went back to Taiwan. Two weeks later, I reached her there and spend a wonderful month together. I feel like a little boy taken care by his mother. She asks for my food in the restaurant (everything is in Chinese, give me a break!), she manages the money, she does the agenda, we see all her friends, etc. We come back and she feels that her life in Mexico is about to start because all the cycles she closed back in Taiwan. Later I found out that this mask of enjoyment hides a fear of responsibility about resources. I don’t want to take care of the resources. I don’t want to take care of the details of the journey, so I left everything in her hands.
Some days later, the kitchen incident. Finnie wants to prepare some french fries, as she puts them on the pan with oil, it began to jump like crazy. Suddenly, the pan caught fire, a flame so high we just stood there with total surprise. I have to act, so I grab the pan and throw it to the floor. The fire in the pan cease immediately, but the furniture is still burning. I grab a piece of cloth to put it out, and something falls into my hand. Finnie takes a bowl of water and throws it to the small flames. Finally, it stops, leaving the apartment covered with smoke. I proceed to clean and fortunately, the furniture hardly gets any damage. But my hand has a first degree burn. Today, after three weeks of this incident, I have only a little scar (divine intervention?)
Weeks passed by and Finnie starts to be frustrated and angry at me, and one day, she spills everything out. She was keeping many things to herself and finally, she tells me that I cannot deal with small details in the house. I was grateful that she expressed in that way. A part of me feels lost and wants to retaliate; I feel she’s not right. I realize about this and, at the end, I don’t feel conflict anymore about this, I don’t want to be right anymore, I don’t have to defend myself, I don’t feel attacked, so I take what she’s saying and ask to see clearly. The response was almost immediate. I see that I have dealt with the emotional part of this, that’s why I don’t feel hurt, I don’t have to go through anymore pain. The next day, I realize this: “I AM a MAN in this house. To take responsibility is only a decision away, consciously and with full awareness. I can deal with the role of the head of our small family”. This is not about doing. I don’t have to do ANYTHING. It’s a matter of attitude, a question of WHO I want to BE, and if I can see myself clearly BEING this.
That day, I came back to the house and start doing some cleaning. Without saying a word, I was hoping she realizes this, but I don’t want to tell her anything. We are kind of mad at each other. When I finish, we hug each other, so now I can talk to her. I told her I was sorry that I didn’t see many things about myself being a little boy, expecting a woman to take care of everything (my mother). That I realize is nothing that I do, but who I am, that is generating her discomfort, and naturally, she feels no support from a little boy. How about the support of this little boy, and a man? I asked for her help, because I didn’t learn this role in my life before. She agrees. These days have been amazing. I find the strength to do many things without forcing myself. It’s all coming so natural I cannot believe it. She is so happy with my transformation, and I am so grateful to her because she made me realize this, and gave me the push I needed to find out, and to know myself a little bit more. The kitchen incident? It meant, male energy is translated into action, positive (not meaning “good”) energy, the energy that goes out, decision to act in time, the one who gives out. I was lacking of this energy, so I’m not in balance. This has to happen to make me realize I’m the one who takes action in the moment. A little sacrifice has to be made (a burnt hand), like my comfort. A delicate balance with female energy is needed in order to create anything in our lives.
I know now that I can be many roles in my life. With her now, I can be a man. I was a friend, a lover, a shaman, a master, a child, a son, a father. This is a decision, and it’s always changing according to circumstance.
Now, as I choose to grow, I feel the other part of me that’s resisting and pulling me to the other side, wanting to sabotage this being, trying to stay as always, as a teenager in a relationship. The part that resists diying because he thinks he’ll lose his freedom. But this, is another process… I promise I’ll keep you update.
I want to thank you, my family, because you were part of this process, and you made it possible. My triumph over myself is yours too. Let’s celebrate life together!
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